SOME ODDS AND ENDS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

My wife always sends me to the store with a list. And, I mean this is a very detailed list. She doesn't just say get cheese. She stipulates the brand, the size, the number of slices, the kind of package; every "i" dotted and every "t" crossed. No room for error.

It was a few years ago, when people were just beginning to carry those damned cell phones everywhere. I was at the dairy case trying to find just the right kind of cheese when I noticed this young woman coming closer and closer to me. I wasn't paying very close attention because I was sure she was shopping for cheese, just like me.

I was concentrating on my purchase when she said, "Hello."

I turned to her and politely said, "Hello."

And there she stands with a cell phone to her ear and looking at me like I'm a fool.

Ah, but I was talking about shopping with one of my wife's infamous, detailed lists. She sent me to Wal Mart one day a while back. On the shopping list were a few items from the pharmacy and a longer list from the grocery area. These big Wal Marts are as big as some hometowns. It's a long walk from the pharmacy to the groceries, and by the time I had made the hike across the store I was tired, so I sat down on a bench to rest.

As I sat there I must have dozed off. I'm sure I wasn't in REM sleep, but I was in that stage my grandpa used to refer to as "resting my eyes."

So, part way between sleep and wakefulness I heard this little voice say, "Mama! Is that man dead?"

I wasn't exactly startled, but when I opened my eyes I saw a little girl maybe five years old, bravely staring at me.

"Hi," I said.

"Mama! Is that man dead?" she repeated.

I didn't quite know what to say. Her mother looked as if she was on the verge of a stroke. From the wild look in her eye I had the impression that she would have been happy if I had been dead. She was trying everything she knew to get her little girl to walk away before she attracted more attention. You'd think she would be happy for me that I was still alive, but nooo. Her embarrassment was rising and she just wanted her daughter to give it up and walk away and stop calling attention to her.

We were at an impasse. The little girl wouldn't budge. The mother was beginning to realize that all those people staring at her knew that she was the mother of the determined little girl calling attention to her mother. And   there I was, still alive.

The solution came to me like a flash of inspiration. I winked again at the little girl, closed my eyes, and went back to sleep.